In memoriam Paul Goodman, 1911-1972
The speaker's voice was as loud as empty beer-trucks in a stone street, and the people at the
meeting were jammed up close, cobblestones, that great voice booming over them. Taviri was
somewhere on the other side of the hall. She had to get to him. She wormed and pushed her way
among the dark-clothed, close-packed people. She did not hear the words, nor see the faces: only the
booming, and the bodies pressed one behind the other. She could not see Taviri, she was too short. A
broad black-vested belly and chest loomed up, blocking her way. She must get through to Taviri.
Sweating, she jabbed fiercely with her fist. It was like hitting stone, he did not move at all, but the huge
lungs let out right over her head a prodigious noise, a bellow.. She cowered. Then she understood that
the bellow had not been at her. Others were shouting. The speaker had said something, something fine
about taxes or shadows. Thrilled, she joined the shouting--"Yes! Yes!" --and shoving on, came out
easily into the open expanse of the Regimental Drill Field in Parheo. Overhead the evening sky lay
deep and colorless, and all around her nodded the tall weeds with dry, white, close-floreted heads. She
had never known what they were called. The flowers nodded above her head, swaying in the wind that
always blew across the fields in the dusk. She ran among them, and they whipped lithe aside and stood
up again swaying, silent. Taviri stood among the tall weeds in his good suit, the dark grey one that
made him look like a professor or a play-actor, harshly elegant. He did not look happy, but he was
laughing, and saying something to her. The sound of his voice made her cry, and she reached out to
catch hold of his hand, but she did not stop, quite. She could not stop. "Oh, Taviri," she said, It's just on
there!" The queer sweet smell of the white weeds was heavy as she went on. There were thorns.
tangles underfoot, there were slopes, pits. She feared to fall, to fall, she stopped.
Sun, bright morning-glare, straight in the eyes, relentless. She had forgotten to pull the blind
last night. She turned her back on the sun, but the right side wasn't comfortable. No use. Day. She
sighed twice, sat up, got her legs over the edge of the bed, and sat hunched in her nightdress looking
down at her feet.
The toes, compressed by a lifetime of cheap shoes, were almost square where they touched
each other, and bulged out above in corns; the nails were discolored and shapeless. Between the
knob-like anklebones ran fine, dry wrinkles. The brief little plain at the base of the toes had kept its
delicacy, but the skin was the color of mud, and knotted veins crossed the instep. Disgusting. Sad,
depressing. Mean. Pitiful. She tried on all the words, and they all fit, like hideous little hats. Hideous:
yes, that one too. To look at oneself and find it hideous, what a job! But then, when she hadn't been
hideous, had she sat around and stared at herself like this? Not much! A proper body's not an object,
not an implement, not a belonging to be admired, it's just you, yourself. Only when it's no longer you. but
yours, a thing owned, do you worry about it-- Is it in good shape? Will it do? Will it last?
"Who cares" said Laia fiercely, and stood up.
It made her giddy to stand up suddenly. She had to put out her hand to the bed-table, for she
dreaded falling. At that she thought of reaching out to Taviri in the dream.
What had he said? She could not remember. She was not sure if she had even touched his
hand. She frowned, trying to force memory. It had been so long since she had dreamed about Taviri;
and now not even to remember what he had said!
It was gone, it was gone. She stood there hunched in her nightdress, frowning, one hand on the
bed-table. How long was it since she had thought of him--let alone dreamed of him--even thought of
him, as "Taviri?" How long since she had said his name?
Asieo said. When Asieo and I were in prison in the North. Before I met Asieo. Asieo's theory of
reciprocity. Oh yes, she talked about him, talked about him too much no doubt, maundered, dragged
him in. But as "Asieo," the last name, the public man. The private man was gone, utterly gone. There
were so few left who had even known him. They had all used to be in jail. One laughed about it in those
days, all the friends in all the jails. But they weren't even there, these days. They were in the prison
cemeteries. Or in the common graves.