Richard Middleton: The Coffin Merchant

I

London on a November Sunday inspired Eustace Reynolds with a melancholy too insistent to be ignored and too causeless to be enjoyed. The grey sky overhead between the house-tops, the cold wind round every street-corner, the sad faces of the men and women on the pavements, combined to create an atmosphere of ineloquent misery. Eustace was sensitive to impressions, and in spite of a half-conscious effort to remain a dispassionate spectator of the world's melancholy, he felt the chill of the aimless day creeping over his spirit. Why was there no sun, no warmth, no laughter on the earth? What had become of all the children who keep laughter like a mask on the faces of disillusioned men? The wind blew down Southampton Street, and chilled Eustace to a shiver that passed away in a shudder of disgust at the sombre colour of life. A windy Sunday in London before the lamps are lit, tempts a man to believe in the nobility of work.

At the corner by Charing Cross Telegraph Office a man thrust a handbill under his eyes, but he shook his head impatiently. The blueness of the fingers that offered him the paper was alone sufficient to make him disinclined to remove his hands from his pockets even for an instant. But, the man would not be dismissed so

lightly.

"Excuse me, sir," he said, following him, "you have not looked to see what my bills are."

"Whatever they are I do not want them."

"That's where you are wrong, sir," the man said earnestly. "You will never find life interesting if you do not lie in wait for the unexpected. As a matter of fact, I believe that my bill contains exactly what you do want."

Eustace looked at the man with quick curiosity. His clothes were ragged, and the visible parts of his flesh were blue with cold, but his eyes were bright with intelligence and his speech was that of an educated man. It seemed to Eustace that he was being regarded with a keen expectancy, as though his decision I on the trivial point was of real importance.

"I don't know what you are driving at," he said, "but if it will give you any pleasure I will take one of your bills; though if you argue with all your clients as you have with me, it must take you a long time to get rid of them."

"I only offer them to suitable persons," the man said, folding up one of the handbills while he spoke, "and I'm sure you will not regret taking it," and he slipped the paper into Eustace's hand and walked rapidly away.

Eustace looked after him curiously for a moment, and then opened the paper in his hand. When his eyes comprehended its significance, he gave a low whistle of astonishment. "You will soon be warning a coffin!" it read. "At 606, Gray's Inn Road, your order will be attended to with civility and despatch. Call and see us!!"

Eustace swung round quickly to look for the man, but he was out of

sight. The wind was growing colder, and the lamps were beginning to

shine out in the greying streets. Eustace crumpled the paper into

his overcoat pocket, and turned homewards.

"How silly!" he said to himself, in conscious amusement. The sound of

his footsteps on the pavement rang like an echo to his laugh.

II

Eustace was impressionable but not temperamentally morbid, and he was

troubled a little by the fact that the gruesomely bizarre handbill

continued to recur to his mind. The thing was so manifestly absurd,

he told himself with conviction, that it was not worth a second

thought, but this did not prevent him from thinking of it again and

again. What manner of undertaker could hope to obtain business by

giving away foolish handbills in the street? Really, the whole thing

had the air of a brainless practical joke, yet his intellectual

fairness forced him to admit that as far as the man who had given him

the bill was concerned, brainlessness was out of the question, and

joking improbable. There had been depths in those little bright

eyes which his glance had not been able to sound, and the man's

manner in making him accept the handbill had given the whole

transaction a kind of ludicrous significance.

"You will soon be wanting a coffin----!"

Eustace found himself turning the words over and over in his mind.

If he had had any near relations he might have construed the thing

as an elaborate threat, but he was practically alone in the world,

and it seemed to him that he was not likely to want a coffin for

anyone but himself.

"Oh damn the thing!" he said impatiently, as he opened the door of

his flat, "it isn't worth worrying about. I mustn't let the whim of

some mad tradesman get on my nerves. I've got no one to bury,

anyhow."

Nevertheless the thing lingered with him all the evening, and when

his neighbour the doctor came in for a chat at ten o'clock, Eustace

was glad to show him the strange handbill. The doctor, who had

experienced the queer magics that are practised to this day on the

West Coast of Africa, and who, therefore, had no nerves, was

delighted with so striking an example of British commercial

enterprise.

"Though, mind you," he added gravely, smoothing the crumpled paper on

his knee, "this sort of thing might do a lot of harm if it fell into

the hands of a nervous subject. I should be inclined to punch the

head of the ass who perpetrated it. Have you turned that address up

in the Post Office Directory?"

Eustace shook his head, and rose and fetched the fat red book which

makes London an English city. Together they found the Gray's Inn

Road, and ran their eyes down to No. 606.

"'Harding, G. J., Coffin Merchant and Undertaker.' Not much

information there," muttered the doctor.

"Coffin merchant's a bit unusual, isn't it?" queried Eustace.

"I suppose he manufactures coffins wholesale for the trade. Still, I

didn't know they called themselves that. Anyhow, it seems, as though

that handbill is a genuine piece of downright foolishness. The idiot

ought to be stopped advertising in that way."

"I'll go and see him myself tomorrow," said Eustace bluntly.

"Well, he's given you an invitation," said the doctor, "so it's only

polite of you to go. I'll drop in here in the evening to hear what

he's like. I expect that you'll find him as mad as a hatter."

"Something like that," said Eustace, "or he wouldn't give handbills

to people like me. I have no one to bury except myself."

"No," said the doctor in the hall, "I suppose you haven't. Don't let

him measure you for a coffin, Reynolds!"

Eustace laughed.

"We never know," he said sententiously.

III

Next day was one of those gorgeous blue days of which November gives

but few, and Eustace was glad to run out to Wimbledon for a game of

golf, or rather for two. It was therefore dusk before he made his way

to the Gray's Inn Road in search of the unexpected. His attitude

towards his errand despite the doctor's laughter and the prosaic

entry in the directory, was a little confused. He could not help

reflecting that after all the doctor had not seen the man with the

little wise eyes, nor could he forget that Mr. G. J. Harding's

description of himself as a coffin merchant, to say the least of it,

approached the unusual. Yet he felt that it would be intolerable to

chop the whole business without finding out what it all meant. On the

whole he would have preferred not to have discovered the riddle at

all; but having found it, he could not rest without an answer.

No. 606, Gray's Inn Road, was not like an ordinary undertaker's shop.

The window was heavily draped with black cloth, but was otherwise

unadorned. There were no letters from grateful mourners, no little

model coffins, no photographs of marble memorials. Even more

surprising was the absence of any name over the shop-door, so that

the uninformed stranger could not possibly tell what trade was

carried on within, or who was responsible for the management of the

business. This uncommercial modesty did not tend to remove Eustace's

doubts as to the sanity of Mr. G. J. Harding; but he opened the

shop-door which started a large bell swinging noisily, and stepped

over the threshold. The shop was hardly more expressive inside than

out. A broad counter ran across it, cutting it in two, and in the

partial gloom overhead a naked gas-burner whistled a noisy song.

Beyond this the shop contained no furniture whatever, and no

stock-in-trade except a few planks leaning against the wall in one

corner. There was a large ink-stand on the counter. Eustace waited

patiently for a minute or two, and then as no one came he began

stamping on the floor with his foot. This proved efficacious, for

soon he heard the sound of footsteps ascending wooden stairs, the

door behind the counter opened and a man came into the shop.

He was dressed quite neatly now, and his hands were no longer blue

with cold, but Eustace knew at once that it was the man who had given

him the handbill. Nevertheless he looked at Eustace without a sign of

recognition.

"What can I do for you, sir?" he asked pleasantly.

Eustace laid the handbill down on the counter.

"I want to know about this," he said. "It strikes me as being in

pretty bad taste, and if a nervous person got hold of it, it might be

dangerous."

"You think so, sir? Yet our representative," he lingered

affectionately on the words, "our representative told you, I believe,

that the handbill was only distributed to suitable cases."

"That's where you are wrong," said Eustace sharply, "for I have no

one to bury."

"Except yourself," said the coffin merchant suavely.

Eustace looked at him keenly. "I don't see----" he began. But the

coffin merchant interrupted him.

"You must know, sir," he said, "that this is no ordinary undertaker's

business. We possess information that enables us to defy competition

in our special class of trade."

"Information!"

"Well, if you prefer it, you may say intuitions. If our

representative handed you that advertisement, it was because he knew

you would need it."

"Excuse me," said Eustace, "you appear to be sane, but your words do

not convey to me any reasonable significance. You gave me that

foolish advertisement yourself, and now you say that you did so

because you knew I would need it. I ask you why?"

The coffin merchant shrugged his shoulders. "Ours is a sentimental

trade," he said, "I do not know why dead men want coffins, but they

do. For my part I would wish to be cremated."

"Dead men?"

"Ah, I was coming to that. You see Mr.----?"

"Reynolds."

"Thank you, my name is Harding--G. J. Harding. You see, Mr. Reynolds,

our intuitions are of a very special character, and if we say that

you will need a coffin, it is probable that you will need one."

"You mean to say that I----"

"Precisely. In twenty-four hours or less, Mr. Reynolds, you will need

our services."

The revelation of the coffin merchant's insanity came to Eustace

with a certain relief. For the first time in the interview he had a

sense of the dark empty shop and the whistling gas-jet over his

head.

"Why, it sounds like a threat, Mr. Harding!" he said gaily.

The coffin merchant looked at him oddly, and produced a printed form

from his pocket. "If you would fill this up," he said.

Eustace picked it up off the counter and laughed aloud. It was an

order for a hundred-guinea funeral.

"I don't know what your game is," he said, "but this has gone on long

enough."

"Perhaps it has, Mr. Reynolds," said the coffin merchant, and he

leant across the counter and looked Eustace straight in the face.

For a moment Eustace was amused; then he was suddenly afraid. "I

think it's time I----" he began slowly, and then he was silent, his

whole will intent on fighting the eyes of the coffin merchant. The

song of the gas-jet waned to a point in his ears, and then rose

steadily till it was like the beating of the world's heart. The eyes

of the coffin merchant grew larger and larger, till they blended in

one great circle of fire. Then Eustace picked a pen off the counter

and filled in the form.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Reynolds," said the coffin merchant,

shaking hands with him politely. "I can promise you every civility

and despatch. Good-day, sir."

Outside on the pavement Eustace stood for a while trying to recall

exactly what had happened. There was a slight scratch on his hand,

and when he automatically touched it with his lips, it made them

burn. The lit lamps in the Gray's Inn Road seemed to him a little

unsteady, and the passers-by showed a disposition to blunder into

him.

"Queer business," he said to himself dimly; "I'd better have a cab."

He reached home in a dream.

It was nearly ten o'clock before the doctor remembered his promise,

and went upstairs to Eustace's flat. The outer door was half-open so

that he thought he was expected, and he switched on the light in the

little hall, and shut the door behind him with the simplicity of

habit. But when he swung round from the door he gave a cry of

astonishment. Eustace was lying asleep in a chair before him with

his face flushed and drooping on his shoulder, and his breath

hissing noisily through his parted lips. The doctor looked at him

quizzically, "If I did not know you, my young friend," he remarked,

"I should say that you were as drunk as a lord."

And he went up to Eustace and shook him by the shoulder; but Eustace

did not wake.

"Queer!" the doctor muttered, sniffing at Eustace's lips; "he hasn't

been drinking."