When the lights go out in Beebe Station, you can hear the metal groan. Lenie Clarke lies on her bunk, listening. Overhead, past pipes and wires and eggshell plating, three kilometers of black ocean try to crush her. She feels the Rift underneath, tearing open the seabed with strength enough to move a continent. She lies there in that fragile refuge and she hears Beebe's armor shifting by microns, hears its seams creak not quite below the threshold of human hearing. God is a sadist on the Juan de Fuca Rift, and His name is Physics.
How did they talk me into this? she wonders. Why did I come down here? But she already knows the answer.
She hears Ballard moving out in the corridor. Clarke envies Ballard. Ballard never screws up, always seems to have her life under control. She almost seems happy down here. Clarke rolls off her bunk and fumbles for a switch. Her cubby floods with dismal light. Pipes and access panels crowd the wall beside her; aesthetics run a distant second to functionality when you're three thousand meters down. She turns and catches sight of a slick black amphibian in the bulkhead mirror. It still happens, occasionally. She can sometimes forget what they've done to her.
It takes a conscious effort to feel the machines lurking where her left lung used to be. She's so acclimated to the chronic ache in her chest, to that subtle inertia of plastic and metal as she moves, that she's scarcely aware of them any more. She can still feel the memory of what it was to be fully human, and mistake that ghost for honest sensation.
Such respites never last. There are mirrors everywhere in Beebe; they're supposed to increase the apparent size of one's personal space. Sometimes Clarke shuts her eyes to hide from the reflections forever being thrown back at her. It doesn't help. She clenches her lids and feels the corneal caps beneath them, covering
her eyes like smooth white cataracts.
She climbs out of her cubby and moves along the corridor to the lounge. Ballard is waiting there, dressed in a diveskin and the usual air of confidence.
Ballard stands up. "Ready to go?"
"You're in charge," Clarke says.
"Only on paper." Ballard smiles. "No pecking order down here, Lenie. As far as I'm concerned, we're equals." After two days on the rift Clarke is still surprised by the frequency with which Ballard smiles. Ballard smiles at the slightest provocation. It doesn't always seem real.
Something hits Beebe from the outside.
Ballard's smile falters. They hear it again; a wet, muffled thud
through the station's titanium skin.
"It takes a while to get used to," Ballard says, "doesn't it?"
And again.
"I mean, that sounds big—"
"Maybe we should turn the lights off," Clarke suggests. She
knows they won't. Beebe's exterior floodlights burn around the
clock, an electric campfire pushing back the darkness. They can't
see it from inside—Beebe has no windows— but somehow they
draw comfort from the knowledge of that unseen fire—
Thud!
—most of the time.
"Remember back in training?" Ballard says over the sound,
"When they told us that the fish were usually so—small…"
Her voice trails off. Beebe creaks slightly. They listen for a
while. There's no other sound.
"It must've gotten tired," Ballard says. "You'd think they'd
figure it out." She moves to the ladder and climbs downstairs.
Clarke follows her, a bit impatiently. There are sounds in
Beebe that worry her far more than the futile attack of some
misguided fish. Clarke can hear tired alloys negotiating surrender.
She can feel the ocean looking for a way in. What if it finds one?
The whole weight of the Pacific could drop down and turn her into
jelly. Any time.
Better to face it outside, where she knows what's coming. All
she can do in here is wait for it to happen.
Going outside is like drowning, once a day.
Clarke stands facing Ballard, diveskin sealed, in an airlock that
barely holds both of them. She has learned to tolerate the forced
proximity; the glassy armor on her eyes helps a bit. Fuse seals,
check headlamp, test injector; the ritual takes her, step by reflexive
step, to that horrible moment when she awakens the machines
sleeping within her, and changes.
When she catches her breath, and loses it.
When a vacuum opens, somewhere in her chest, that swallows
the air she holds. When her remaining lung shrivels in its cage,
and her guts collapse; when myoelectric demons flood her sinuses
and middle ears with isotonic saline. When every pocket of
internal gas disappears in the time it takes to draw a breath.
It always feels the same. The sudden, overwhelming nausea;
the narrow confines of the airlock holding her erect when she tries
to fall; seawater churning on all sides. Her face goes under; vision
blurs, then clears as her corneal caps adjust.
She collapses against the walls and wishes she could scream.
The floor of the airlock drops away like a gallows. Lenie Clarke
falls writhing into the abyss.
They come out of the freezing darkness, headlights blazing,
into an oasis of sodium luminosity. Machines grow everywhere at
the Throat, like metal weeds. Cables and conduits spiderweb
across the seabed in a dozen directions. The main pumps stand
over twenty meters high, a regiment of submarine monoliths fading
from sight on either side. Overhead floodlights bathe the jumbled
structures in perpetual twilight.
They stop for a moment, hands resting on the line that guided
them here.
"I'll never get used to it," Ballard grates in a caricature of her
usual voice.
Clarke glances at her wrist thermistor.
"Thirty four
Centigrade." The words buzz, metallic, from her larynx. It feels so
wrong to talk without breathing.
Ballard lets go of the rope and launches herself into the light.
After a moment, breathless, Clarke follows.
There's so much power here, so much wasted strength. Here
the continents themselves do ponderous battle. Magma freezes;
seawater boils; the very floor of the ocean is born by painful
centimeters each year. Human machinery does not make energy,
here at Dragon's Throat; it merely hangs on and steals some
insignificant fraction of it back to the mainland.
Clarke flies through canyons of metal and rock, and knows
what it is to be a parasite. She looks down. Shellfish the size of
boulders, crimson worms three meters long crowd the seabed
between the machines. Legions of bacteria, hungry for sulfur, lace
the water with milky veils.
The water fills with a sudden terrible cry.
It doesn't sound like a scream. It sounds as though a great harp
string is vibrating in slow motion. But Ballard is screaming,
through some reluctant interface of flesh and metal:
"LENIE—"
Clarke turns in time to see her own arm disappear into a mouth
that seems impossibly huge.
Teeth like scimitars clamp down on her shoulder. Clarke stares
into a scaly black face half a meter across. Some tiny dispassionate
part of her searches for eyes in that monstrous fusion of spines and
teeth and gnarled flesh, and fails. How can it see me? she
wonders.
Then the pain reaches her.
She feels her arm being wrenched from its socket. The creature
thrashes, shaking its head back and forth, trying to tear her into
chunks. Every tug sets her nerves screaming.
She goes limp. Please get it over with if you're going to kill me
just please God make it quick— She feels the urge to vomit, but the
'skin over her mouth and her own collapsed insides won't let her.
She shuts out the pain. She's had plenty of practice. She pulls
inside, abandoning her body to ravenous vivisection; and from far
away she feels the twisting of her attacker grow suddenly erratic.
There's another creature at her side, with arms and legs and a knife
—you know, a knife, like the one you've got strapped to your leg
and completely forgot about—and suddenly the monster is gone,
its grip broken.
Clarke tells her neck muscles to work. It's like operating a
marionette. Her head turns. She sees Ballard locked in combat
with something as big as she is. Only — Ballard is tearing it to
pieces, with her bare hands. Its icicle teeth splinter and snap. Dark
icewater courses from its wounds, tracing mortal convulsions with
smoke-trails of suspended gore.
The creature spasms weakly. Ballard pushes it away. A dozen
smaller fish dart into the light and begin tearing at the carcass.
Photophores along their sides flash like frantic rainbows.
Clarke watches from the other side of the world. The pain in
her side keeps its distance, a steady, pulsing ache. She looks; her
arm is still there. She can even move her fingers without any
trouble. I've had worse, she thinks.
Then: Why am I still alive?
Ballard appears at her side; her lens-covered eyes shine like
photophores themselves.
"Jesus Christ," Ballard says in a distorted whisper. "Lenie?
You okay?"
Clarke dwells on the inanity of the question for a moment. But
surprisingly, she feels intact. "Yeah."
And if not, she knows, it's her own damn fault. She just lay
there. She just waited to die. She was asking for it.
She's always asking for it.
Back in the airlock, the water recedes around them. And
within them; Clarke's stolen breath, released at last, races back
along visceral channels, reinflating lung and gut and spirit.
Ballard splits the face seal on her 'skin and her words tumble
into the wetroom. "Jesus. Jesus! I don't believe it! My God, did
you see that thing! They get so huge around here!" She passes her
hands across her face; her corneal caps come off, milky
hemispheres dropping from enormous hazel eyes. "And to think
they're usually just a few centimeters long..."
She starts to strip down, unzipping her 'skin along the forearms,
talking the whole time. "And yet it was almost fragile, you know?
Hit it hard enough and it just came apart! Jesus!" Ballard always
removes her uniform indoors. Clarke suspects she'd rip the
recycler out of her own thorax if she could, throw it in a corner
with the 'skin and the eyecaps until the next time it was needed.
Maybe she's got her other lung in her cabin, Clarke muses.
Maybe she keeps it in a jar, and she stuffs it back into her chest at
night... She feels a bit dopey; probably just an aftereffect of the
neuroinhibitors her implants put out whenever she's outside. Small
price to pay to keep my brain from shorting out— I really
shouldn't mind...
Ballard peels her 'skin down to the waist. Just under her left
breast, the electrolyser intake pokes out through her ribcage.
Clarke stares vaguely at that perforated disk in Ballard's flesh.
The ocean goes into us there, she thinks. The old knowledge
seems newly significant, somehow. We suck it into us and steal its
oxygen and spit it out again.
Prickly numbness is spreading, leaking through her shoulder
into her chest and neck. Clarke shakes her head, once, to clear it.
She sags suddenly, against the hatchway.
Am I in shock? Am I fainting?
"I mean—" Ballard stops, looks at Clarke with an expression of
sudden concern. "Jesus, Lenie. You look terrible. You shouldn't
have told me you were okay if you weren't."
The tingling reaches the base of Clarke's skull. "I'm — okay,"
she says. "Nothing broke. I'm just bruised."
"Garbage. Take off your 'skin."Page 7
A Niche
7
Clarke straightens, with effort. The numbness recedes a bit.
"It's nothing I can't take care of myself."
Don't touch me. Please don't touch me.
Ballard steps forward without a word and unseals the 'skin
around Clarke's forearm. She peels back the material and exposes
an ugly purple bruise. She looks at Clarke with one raised
eyebrow.
"Just a bruise," Clarke says. "I'll take care of it, really. Thanks
anyway." She pulls her hand away from Ballard's ministrations.
Ballard looks at her for a moment. She smiles ever so slightly.
"Lenie," she says, "there's no need to feel embarrassed."
"About what?"
"You know. Me having to rescue you. You going to pieces
when that thing attacked. It was perfectly understandable. Most
people have a rough time adjusting. I'm just one of the lucky
ones."
Right. You've always been one of the lucky ones, haven't you?
I know your kind, Ballard, you've never failed at anything...
"You don't have to feel ashamed about it," Ballard reassures
her.
"I don't," Clarke says, honestly. She doesn't feel much of
anything any more. Just the tingling. And the tension. And a
vague sort of wonder that she's even alive.
The bulkhead is sweating.
The deep sea lays icy hands on the metal and, inside, Clarke
watches the humid atmosphere bead and run down the wall. She
sits rigid on her bunk under dim fluorescent light, every wall of the
cubby within easy reach. The ceiling is too low. The room is too
narrow. She feels the ocean compressing the station around her.
And all I can do is wait...
The anabolic salve on her injuries is warm and soothing.
Clarke probes the purple flesh of her arm with practiced fingers.
The diagnostic tools in the Med cubby have vindicated her. She's
lucky, this time; bones intact, epidermis unbroken. She seals up
her 'skin, hiding the damage.
She shifts on the pallet, turns to face the inside wall. Her
reflection stares back at her through eyes like frosted glass. She
watches the image, admires its perfect mimicry of each movement.
Flesh and phantom move together, bodies masked, faces neutral.
That's me, she thinks. That's what I look like now. She tries to
read what lies behind that glacial facade. Am I bored, horny,
upset? How to tell, with her eyes hidden behind those corneal
opacities? She sees no trace of the tension she always feels. I
could be terrified. I could be pissing in my 'skin and no one would
know.
She leans forward. The reflection comes to meet her. They
stare at each other, white to white, ice to ice. For a moment, they
almost forget Beebe's ongoing war against pressure. For a
moment, they don't mind the claustrophobic solitude that grips
them.
How many times, Clarke wonders, have I wanted eyes as dead
as these?
Beebe's metal viscera crowd the corridor beyond her cubby.
Clarke can barely stand erect. A few steps bring her into the
lounge.
Ballard, back in shirtsleeves, is at one of the library terminals.
"Rickets," she says.
"What?"
"Fish down here don't get enough trace elements. They're
rotten with deficiency diseases. Doesn't matter how fierce they are.
They bite too hard, they break their teeth on us."
Clarke stabs buttons on the food processor; the machine
grumbles at her touch. "I thought there was all sorts of food at the
rift. That's why things got so big."
"There's a lot of food. Just not very good quality."
A vaguely edible lozenge of sludge oozes from the processor
onto Clarke's plate. She eyes it for a moment. I can relate.
"You're going to eat in your gear?" Ballard asks, as Clarke sits
down at the lounge table.
Clarke blinks at her. "Yeah. Why?"
"Oh, nothing. It would just be nice to talk to someone with
pupils in their eyes, you know?"
"Sorry. I can take them off if you —"
"No, it's no big thing. I can live with it." Ballard turns off the
library and sits down across from Clarke. "So, how do you like the
place so far?"
Clarke shrugs and keeps eating.
"I'm glad we're only down here for a year," Ballard says. "This
place could get to you after a while."
"It could be worse."
"Oh, I'm not complaining. I was looking for a challenge, after
all. What about you?"
"Me?"
"What brings you down here? What are you looking for?"
Clarke doesn't answer for a moment. "I don't know, really," she
says at last. "Privacy, I guess."
Ballard looks up. Clarke stares back, her face neutral.
"Well, I'll leave you to it, then," Ballard says pleasantly.
Clarke watches her disappear down the corridor. She hears the
sound of a cubby hatch hissing shut.
Give it up, Ballard, she thinks. I'm not the sort of person you
really want to know.
Almost start of the morning shift.
The food processor
disgorges Clarke's breakfast with its usual reluctance. Ballard, in
Communications, is just getting off the phone. A moment later she
appears in the hatchway.
"Management says—" She stops. "You've got blue eyes."
Clarke smiles faintly. "You've seen them before."
"I know. It's just kind of surprising, it's been a while since I've
seen you without your caps in."
Clarke sits down with her breakfast.
"So, what does
Management say?"
"We're on schedule. Rest of the crew comes down in three
weeks, we go online in four." Ballard sits down across from
Clarke. "I wonder sometimes why we're not online right now."
"I guess they just want to be sure everything works."
"Still, it seems like a long time for a dry run. And you'd think
that — well, they'd want to get the geothermal program up and
running as fast as possible, after all that's happened."
After Lepreau and Winshire melted down, you mean.
"And there's something else," Ballard says. "I can't get through
to Piccard."
Clarke looks up. Piccard Station is anchored on the Galapagos
Rift; it is not a particularly stable mooring.
"You ever meet the couple there?" Ballard asks. "Ken Lubin,
Lana Cheung?"
Clarke shakes her head. "They went through before me. I
never met any of the other Rifters except you."
"Nice people. I thought I'd call them up, see how things were
going at Piccard, but nobody can get through."
"Line down?"
"They say it's probably something like that. Nothing serious.
They're sending a 'scaphe down to check it out."
Maybe the seabed opened up and swallowed them whole,
Clarke thinks. Maybe the hull had a weak plate—one's all it
would take—
Something creaks, deep in Beebe's superstructure. Clarke
looks around. The walls seem to have moved closer while she
wasn't looking.
"Sometimes," she says, "I wish we didn't keep Beebe at surface
pressure. Sometimes I wish we were pumped up to ambient. To
take the strain off the hull." She knows it's an impossible dream;
most gases kill outright when breathed at three hundred
atmospheres. Even oxygen would do you in if it got above one or
two percent.
Ballard shivers dramatically. "If you want to risk breathing
ninety-nine percent hydrogen, you're welcome to it. I'm happy the
way things are." She smiles. "Besides, you have any idea how
long it would take to decompress afterwards?"
In the Systems cubby, something bleats for attention.
"Seismic. Wonderful." Ballard disappears into Comm. Clarke
follows.
An amber line is writhing across one of the displays. It looks
like the EEG of someone caught in a nightmare.
"Get your eyes back in," Ballard says. "The Throat's acting
up."
They can hear it all the way to Beebe; a malign, almost
electrical hiss from the direction of the Throat. Clarke follows
Ballard towards it, one hand running lightly along the guide rope.
The distant smudge of light that marks their destination seems
wrong, somehow. The color is different. It ripples.
They swim into its glowing nimbus and see why. The Throat is
on fire.
Sapphire auroras slide flickering across the generators. At the
far end of the array, almost invisible with distance, a pillar of
smoke swirls up into the darkness like a great tornado.
The sound it makes fills the abyss. Clarke closes her eyes for a
moment, and hears rattlesnakes.
"Jesus!" Ballard shouts over the noise. "It's not supposed to do
that!"
Clarke checks her thermistor. It won't settle; water temperature
goes from four degrees to thirty eight and back again, within
seconds. A myriad ephemeral currents tug at them as they watch.
"Why the light show?" Clarke calls back.
"I don't know!" Ballard answers. "Bioluminescence, I guess!
Heat-sensitive bacteria!"
Without warning, the tumult dies.
The ocean empties of sound. Phosphorescent spiderwebs
wriggle dimly on the metal and vanish. In the distance, the tornado
sighs and fragments into a few transient dust devils.
A gentle rain of black soot begins to fall in the copper light.
"Smoker," Ballard says into the sudden stillness. "A big one."
They swim to the place where the geyser erupted. There's a
fresh wound in the seabed, a gash several meters long, between
two of the generators.
"This wasn't supposed to happen," Ballard says. "That's why
they built here, for crying out loud! It was supposed to be stable!"
"The rift's never stable," Clarke replies. Not much point in
being here if it was.
Ballard swims up through the fallout and pops an access plate
on one of the generators. "Well, according to this there's no
damage," she calls down, after looking inside. "Hang on, let me
switch channels here—"
Clarke touches one of the cylindrical sensors strapped to her
waist, and stares into the fissure. I should be able to fit through
there, she decides.
And does.
"We were lucky," Ballard is saying above her. "The other
generators are okay too. Oh, wait a second; number two has a
clogged cooling duct, but it's not serious. Backups can handle it
until—get out of there!"
Clarke looks up, one hand on the sensor she's planting. Ballard
stares down at her through a chimney of fresh rock.
"Are you crazy?" Ballard shouts. "That's an active smoker!"
Clarke looks down again, deeper into the shaft. It twists out of
sight in the mineral haze. "We need temperature readings," she
says, "from inside the mouth."
"Get out of there! It could go off again and fry you!"
I suppose it could at that, Clarke thinks. "It already blew," she
calls back. "It'll take a while to build up a fresh head." She twists
a knob on the sensor; tiny explosive bolts blast into the rock,
anchoring the device.
"Get out of there, now!"
"Just a second." Clarke turns the sensor on and kicks up out of
the seabed. Ballard grabs her arm as she emerges, starts to drag her
away from the smoker.
Clarke stiffens and pulls free. "Don't—" touch me! She
catches herself. "I'm out, okay? You don't have to—"
"Further." Ballard keeps swimming. "Over here."
They're near the edge of the light now, the floodlit Throat on
one side, blackness on the other. Ballard faces Clarke. "Are you
out of your mind? We could have gone back to Beebe for a drone!
We could have planted it on remote!"
Clarke doesn't answer. She sees something moving in the
distance behind Ballard. "Watch your back," she says.
Ballard turns, and sees the gulper sliding toward them. It
undulates through the water like brown smoke, silent and endless;
Clarke can't see the creature's tail, although several meters of
serpentine flesh have come out of the darkness.
Ballard goes for her knife. After a moment, Clarke does too.
The gulper's jaw drops open like a great jagged scoop.
Ballard begins to launch herself at the thing, knife upraised.
Clarke puts her hand out. "Wait a minute. It's not coming at
us."
The front end of the gulper is about ten meters distant now. Its
tail pulls free of the murk.
"Are you crazy?" Ballard moves clear of Clarke's hand, still
watching the monster.
"Maybe it isn't hungry," Clarke says. She can see its eyes, two
tiny unwinking spots glaring at them from the tip of the snout.
"They're always hungry. Did you sleep through the briefings?"
The gulper closes its mouth and passes. It extends around them
now, in a great meandering arc. The head turns back to look at
them. It opens its mouth.
"Fuck this," Ballard says, and charges.
Her first stroke opens a meter-long gash in the creature's side.
The gulper stares at Ballard for a moment, as if astonished. Then,
ponderously, it thrashes.
Clarke watches without moving. Why can't she just let it go?
Why does she always have to prove she's better than everything?
Ballard strikes again; this time she slashes into a great
tumorous swelling that has to be the stomach.
She frees the things inside.
They spill out through the wound; two huge giganturids and
some misshapen creature Clarke doesn't recognize. One of the
giganturids is still alive, and in a foul mood. It locks its teeth
around the first thing it encounters.
Ballard. From behind.
"Lenie!" Ballard's knife hand is swinging in staccato arcs. The
giganturid begins to come apart. Its jaws remain locked. The
convulsing gulper crashes into Ballard and sends her spinning to
the bottom.
Finally, Clarke begins to move.
The gulper collides with Ballard again. Clarke moves in low,
hugging the bottom, and pulls the other woman clear.
Ballard's knife continues to dip and twist. The giganturid is a
mutilated wreck behind the gills, but its grip remains unbroken.
Ballard can't twist around far enough to reach the skull. Clarke
comes in from behind and takes the creature's head in her hands.
It stares at her, malevolent and unthinking.
"Kill it!" Ballard shouts. "Jesus, what are you waiting for?"
Clarke closes her eyes, and clenches. The skull in her hand
splinters like cheap plastic.
There is a silence.
After a while, she opens her eyes. The gulper is gone, fled
back into darkness to heal or die. But Ballard's still there, and
Ballard is angry.
"What's wrong with you?" she says.
Clarke unclenches her fists. Bits of bone and jellied flesh float
about her fingers.
"You're supposed to back me up! Why are you so damned —
passive all the time?"
"Sorry." Sometimes it works.
Ballard reaches behind her back. "I'm cold. I think it
punctured my diveskin—"
Clarke swims behind her and looks. "A couple of holes. How
are you otherwise? Anything feel broken?"
"It broke through the diveskin," Ballard says, as if to herself.
"And when that gulper hit me, it could have—" She turns to
Clarke and her voice, even distorted, carries a shocked uncertainty.
"—I could have been killed. I could have been killed!"
For an instant, it's as though Ballard's 'skin and eyes and self-
assurance have all been stripped away. For the first time Clarke
can see through to the weakness beneath, growing like a delicate
tracery of hairline cracks.
You can screw up too, Ballard. It isn't all fun and games.
You know that now.
It hurts, doesn't it?
Somewhere inside, the slightest touch of sympathy. "It's okay,"
Clarke says. "Jeanette, it's—"
"You idiot!" Ballard hisses. She stares at Clarke like some
malign and sightless old woman. "You just floated there! You just
let it happen to me!"
Clarke feels her guard snap up again, just in time. This isn't
just anger, she realizes. This isn't just the heat of the moment. She
doesn't like me. She doesn't like me at all.
And then, dully surprised that she hasn't seen it
before:
She never did.
Beebe Station floats tethered above the seabed, a gunmetal-
gray planet ringed by a belt of equatorial floodlights. There's an
airlock for divers at the south pole and a docking hatch for 'scaphes
at the north. In between there are girders and anchor lines,
conduits and cables, metal armor and Lenie Clarke.
She's doing a routine visual check on the hull; standard
procedure, once a week. Ballard is inside, testing some equipment
in the communications cubby. This is not entirely within the spirit
of the buddy system. Clarke prefers it this way. Relations have
been civil over the past couple of days—Ballard even resurrects
her patented chumminess on occasion—but the more time they
spend together, the more forced things get. Eventually, Clarke
knows, something is going to break.
Besides, out here it seems only natural to be alone.
She's examining a cable clamp when a razormouth charges into
the light. It's about two meters long, and hungry. It rams directly
into the nearest of Beebe's floodlamps, mouth agape. Several teeth
shatter against the crystal lens. The razormouth twists to one side,
knocking the hull with its tail, and swims off until barely visible
against the dark.
Clarke watches, fascinated. The razormouth swims back and
forth, back and forth, then charges again.
The flood weathers the impact easily, doing more damage to its
attacker. Over and over again the fish batters itself against the
light. Finally, exhausted, it sinks twitching down to the muddy
bottom.
"Lenie? Are you okay?"
Clarke feels the words buzzing in her lower jaw. She trips the
sender in her diveskin: "I'm okay."
"I heard something out there," Ballard says. "I just wanted to
make sure you were—"
"I'm fine," Clarke says. "Just a fish."
"They never learn, do they?"
"No. I guess not. See you later."
"See—"
Clarke switches off her receiver.
Poor stupid fish. How many millennia did it take for them to
learn that bioluminescence equals food? How long will Beebe
have to sit here before they learn that electric light doesn't?
We could keep our headlights off. Maybe they'd leave us alone
—
She stares out past Beebe's electric halo. There is so much
blackness there. It almost hurts to look at it. Without lights,
without sonar, how far could she go into that viscous shroud and
still return?
Clarke kills her headlight. Night edges a bit closer, but Beebe's
lights keep it at bay. Clarke turns until she's face to face with the
darkness. She crouches like a spider against Beebe's hull.
She pushes off.
The darkness embraces her. She swims, not looking back, until
her legs grow tired. She doesn't know how far she's come.
But it must be light-years. The ocean is full of stars.
Behind her, the station shines brightest, with coarse yellow
rays. In the opposite direction, she can barely make out the Throat,
an insignificant sunrise on the horizon.
Everywhere else, living constellations punctuate the dark.
Here, a string of pearls blink sexual advertisements at two-second
intervals. Here, a sudden flash leaves diversionary afterimages
swarming across Clarke's field of view; something flees under
cover of her momentary blindness. There, a counterfeit worm
twists lazily in the current, invisibly tied to the roof of some
predatory mouth.
There are so many of them.
She feels a sudden surge in the water, as if something big has
just passed very close. A delicious thrill dances through her body.
It nearly touched me, she thinks. I wonder what it was. The
rift is full of monsters who don't know when to quit. It doesn't
matter how much they eat. Their voracity is as much a part of them
as their elastic bellies, their unhinging jaws. Ravenous dwarves
attack giants twice their own size, and sometimes win. The abyss
is a desert; no one can afford the luxury of waiting for better odds.
But even a desert has oases, and sometimes the deep hunters
find them. They come upon the malnourishing abundance of the
rift and gorge themselves; their descendants grow huge and bloated
over such delicate bones—
My light was off, and it left me alone. I wonder—
She turns it back on. Her vision clouds in the sudden glare,
then clears. The ocean reverts to unrelieved black. No nightmares
accost her. The beam lights empty water wherever she points it.
She switches it off. There's a moment of absolute darkness
while her eyecaps adjust to the reduced light. Then the stars come
out again.
They are so beautiful. Lenie Clarke rests on the bottom of the
ocean and watches the abyss sparkle around her. And she almost
laughs as she realizes, three thousand meters from the nearest
sunlight, that it's only dark when the lights are on.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You've been gone for over
three hours, did you know that? Why didn't you answer me?"
Clarke bends over and removes her fins. "I guess I turned my
receiver off," she says. "I was—wait a second, did you say—"
"You guess? Have you forgotten every safety reg they drilled
into us? You're supposed to have your receiver on from the
moment you leave Beebe until you get back!"
"Did you say three hours?"
"I couldn't even come out after you, I couldn't find you on
sonar! I just had to sit here and hope you'd show up!"
It only seems a few minutes since she pushed off into the
darkness. Clarke climbs up into the lounge, suddenly chilled.
"Where were you, Lenie?" Ballard demands, coming up behind
her. Clarke hears the slightest plaintive tone in her voice.
"I—I must've been on the bottom," Clarke says. "that's why
sonar didn't get me. I didn't go far."
Was I asleep? What was I doing for three hours?
"I was just — wandering around. I lost track of the time. I'm
sorry."
"Not good enough. Don't do it again."
There's a brief silence. It's ended by the sudden, familiar
impact of flesh on metal.
"Christ!" Ballard snaps. "I'm turning the externals off right
now!"
Whatever it is gets in two more hits by the time Ballard reaches
Comm. Clarke hears her punch a couple of buttons.
Ballard comes back into the lounge. "There. Now we're
invisible."
Something hits them again. And again.
"Or maybe not," Clarke says.
Ballard stands in the lounge, listening to the rhythm of the
assault.
"They don't show up on sonar," she says, almost
whispering. "Sometimes, when I hear them coming at us, I tune it
down to extreme close range. But it looks right through them."
"No gas bladders. Nothing to bounce an echo off of."
"We show up just fine out there, most of the time. But not
those things. You can't find them, no matter how high you turn the
gain. They're like ghosts."
"They're not ghosts." Almost unconsciously, Clarke has been
counting the beats: eight — nine—
Ballard turns to face her. "They've shut down Piccard," she
says, and her voice is small and tight.
"What?"
"The grid office says it's just some technical problem. But I've
got a friend in Personnel. I phoned him when you were outside.
He says Lana's in the hospital. And I get the feeling—" Ballard
shakes her head. "It sounded like Ken Lubin did something down
there. I think maybe he attacked her."
Three thumps from outside, in rapid succession. Clarke can
feel Ballard's eyes on her. The silence stretches.
"Or maybe not," Ballard says. "We got all those personality
tests. If he was violent, they would've picked it up before they sent
him down."
Clarke watches her, listens to the pounding of an intermittent
fist.
"Or maybe — maybe the rift changed him somehow. Maybe
they misjudged the pressure we'd all be under. So to speak."
Ballard musters a feeble smile. "Not the physical danger so much
as the emotional stress, you know? Everyday things. Just being
outside could get to you after a while. Seawater sluicing through
your chest. Not breathing for hours at a time. It's like—living
without a heartbeat—"
She looks up at the ceiling; the sounds from outside are a bit
more erratic, now.
"Outside's not so bad," Clarke says.
At least you're
incompressible. At least you don't have to worry about the plates
giving in.
"I don't think you'd change suddenly. It would just sort of
sneak up on you, little by little. And then one day you'd just wake
up changed, you'd be different somehow, only you'd never have
noticed the transition. Like Ken Lubin."
She looks at Clarke, and her voice drops a bit.
"And you."
"Me." Clarke turns Ballard's words over in her mind, waits for
the onset of some reaction. She feels nothing but her own
indifference. "I don't think you have much to worry about. I'm not
the violent type."
"I know. I'm not worried about my own safety, Lenie. I'm
worried about yours."
Clarke looks at her from behind the impervious safety of her
lenses, and doesn't answer.
"You've changed since you came down here," Ballard says.
"You're withdrawing from me, you're exposing yourself toPage 20
20
Peter Watts
unnecessary risks. I don't know exactly what's happening to you.
It's almost like you're trying to kill yourself."
"I'm not," Clarke says. She tries to change the subject. "Is
Lana Cheung all right?"
Ballard studies her for a moment. She takes the hint. "I don't
know. I couldn't get any details."
Clarke feels something knotting up inside her.
"I wonder what she did to set him off?" she murmurs.
Ballard stares at her, openmouthed. "What she did? I can't
believe you said that!"
"I only meant—"
"I know what you meant."
The outside pounding has stopped. Ballard does not relax. She
stands hunched over in those strange, loose-fitting clothes that
Drybacks wear, and stares at the ceiling as though she doesn't
believe in the silence. She looks back at Clarke.
"Lenie, you know I don't like to pull rank, but your attitude is
putting both of us at risk. I think this place is really getting to you.
I hope you can get back online here, I really do. Otherwise I may
have to recommend you for a transfer."
Clarke watches Ballard leave the lounge. You're lying, she
realizes. You're scared to death, and it's not just because I'm
changing.
It's because you are.
Clarke finds out five hours after the fact: something has
changed on the ocean floor.
We sleep and the earth moves she thinks, studying the
topographic display. And next time, or the time after, maybe it'll
move right out from under us.
I wonder if I'll have time to feel anything.
She turns at a sound behind her. Ballard is standing in the
lounge, swaying slightly. Her face seems somehow disfigured by
the concentric rings in her eyes, by the dark hollows around them.
Naked eyes are beginning to look alien to Clarke.
"The seabed shifted," Clarke says. "There's a new outcropping
about two hundred meters west of us."
"That's odd. I didn't feel anything."
"It happened about five hours ago. You were asleep."
Ballard glances up sharply. Clarke studies the haggard lines of
her face. On second thought...
"I — would've woken up," Ballard says. She squeezes past
Clarke into the cubby and checks the topographic display.
"Two meters high, twelve long," Clarke recites.
Ballard doesn't answer. She punches some commands into a
keyboard; the topographic image dissolves, reforms into a column
of numbers.
"Just as I thought," she says. "No heavy seismic activity for
over forty-two hours."
"Sonar doesn't lie," Clarke says calmly.
"Neither does seismo," Ballard answers.
There's a brief silence. There's a standard procedure for such
things, and they both know what it is.
"We have to check it out," Clarke says.
But Ballard only nods. "Give me a moment to change."
They call it a squid; a jet-propelled cylinder about a meter long,
with a headlight at the front end and a towbar at the back. Clarke,
floating between Beebe and the seabed, checks it over with one
hand. Her other hand grips a sonar pistol. She points the pistol
into blackness; ultrasonic clicks sweep the night, give her a
bearing.
"That way," she says, pointing.
Ballard squeezes down on her own squid's towbar. The
machine pulls her away. After a moment Clarke follows. Bringing
up the rear, a third squid carries an assortment of sensors in a nylon
bag.
Ballard's traveling at nearly full throttle. The lamps on her
helmet and squid stab the water like twin lighthouse beacons.
Clarke, her own lights doused, catches up about halfway to their
destination. They cruise along a couple of meters over the muddy
substrate.
"Your lights," Ballard says.
"We don't need them. Sonar works in the dark."
"Are you breaking regs for the sheer thrill of it, now?"
"The fish down here, they key on things that glow—"
"Turn your lights on. That's an order."
Clarke doesn't answer. She watches the beams beside her,
Ballard's squid shining steady and unwavering, Ballard's headlamp
slicing the water in erratic arcs as she moves her head—
"I told you," Ballard says, "turn your—Christ!"
It was just a glimpse, caught for a moment in the sweep of
Ballard's headlight. She jerks her head around and it slides back
out of sight. Then it looms up in the squid's beam, huge and
terrible.
The abyss is grinning at them, teeth bared.
A mouth stretches across the width of the beam, extends into
darkness on either side. It is crammed with conical teeth the size
of human hands, and they do not look the least bit fragile.
Ballard makes a strangled sound and dives into the mud. The
benthic ooze boils up around her in a seething cloud; she
disappears in a torrent of planktonic corpses.
Lenie Clarke stops and waits, unmoving. She stares transfixed
at that threatening smile. Her whole body feels electrified, she's
never been so explicitly aware of herself. Every nerve fires and
freezes at the same time. She is terrified.
But she's also, somehow, completely in control of herself. She
reflects on this paradox as Ballard's abandoned squid slows and
stops itself, scant meters from that endless row of teeth. She
wonders at her own analytical clarity as the third squid, with its
burden of sensors, decelerates past and takes up position beside
Ballard's.
There in the light, the grin does not change.
Clarke raises her sonar pistol and fires. We're here, she
realizes, checking the readout. That's the outcropping.
She swims closer. The smile hangs there, enigmatic and
enticing. Now she can see bits of bone at the roots of the teeth, and
tatters of decomposed flesh trailing from the gums.
She turns and backtracks. The cloud on the seabed is starting
to settle.
"Ballard," she says in her synthetic voice.
Nobody answers.
Clarke reaches down through the mud, feeling blind, until she
touches something warm and trembling.
The seabed explodes in her face.
Ballard erupts from the substrate, trailing a muddy comet's tail.
Her hand rises from that sudden cloud, clasped around something
glinting in the transient light. Clarke sees the knife, twists almost
too late; the blade glances off her 'skin, igniting nerves along her
ribcage. Ballard lashes out again. This time Clarke catches the
knife-hand as it shoots past, twists it, pushes. Ballard tumbles
away.
"It's me!" Clarke shouts; the vocoder turns her voice into a
tinny vibrato.
Ballard rises up again, white eyes unseeing, knife still in hand.
Clarke holds up her hands. "It's okay! There's nothing here!
It's dead!"
Ballard stops. She stares at Clarke. She looks over to the
squids, to the smile they illuminate. She stiffens.
"It's some kind of whale," Clarke says. "It's been dead a long
time."
"A — a whale?" Ballard rasps. She begins to shake.
There's no need to feel embarrassed, Clarke almost says, but
doesn't. Instead, she reaches out and touches Ballard lightly on the
arm. Is this how you do it?, she wonders.
Ballard jerks back as if scalded.
I guess not—
"Um, Jeanette—" Clarke begins.
Ballard raises a trembling hand, cutting Clarke off. "I'm okay.
I want to g — I think we should get back now, don't you?"
"Okay," Clarke says. But she doesn't really mean it.
She could stay out here all day.
Ballard is at the library again. She turns, passing a casual hand
over the brightness control as Clarke comes up behind her; the
display darkens before Clarke can see what it is. Clarke glances at
the eyephones hanging from the terminal, puzzled. If Ballard
doesn't want her to see what she's reading, she could just use those.
But then she wouldn't see me coming...
"I think maybe it was a Ziphiid," Ballard's saying. "A beaked
whale. Except it had too many teeth. Very rare. They don't dive
this deep."
Clarke listens, not really interested.
"It must have died and rotted further up, and then sank."
Ballard's voice is slightly raised. She looks almost furtively at
something on the other side of the lounge. "I wonder what the
chances are of that happening."
"What?"
"I mean, in all the ocean, something that big just happening to
drop out of the sky a few hundred meters away. The odds of that
must be pretty low."
"Yeah. I guess so." Clarke reaches over and brightens the
display. One half of the screen glows softly with luminous text.
The other holds the rotating image of a complex molecule.
"What's this?" Clarke asks.
Ballard steals another glance across the lounge. "Just an old
biopsych text the library had on file. I was browsing through it.
Used to be an interest of mine."
Clarke looks at her. "Uh huh." She bends over and studies the
display. Some sort of technical chemistry. The only thing she
really understands is the caption beneath the graphic.
She reads it aloud: "True Happiness."
"Yeah. A tricyclic with four side chains." Ballard points at the
screen. "Whenever you're happy, really happy, that's what does it to
you."
"When did they find that out?"
"I don't know. It's an old book."
Clarke stares at the revolving simulacrum. It disturbs her,
somehow. It floats there over that smug stupid caption, and it says
something she doesn't want to hear.
You've been solved, it says. You're mechanical. Chemicals
and electricity. Everything you are, every dream, every action, it
all comes down to a change of voltage somewhere, or a — what
did she say — a tricyclic with four side chains—
"It's wrong," Clarke murmurs. Or they'd be able to fix us,
when we broke down—
"Sorry?" Ballard says.
"It's saying we're just these — soft computers. With faces."
Ballard shuts off the terminal.
"That's right," she says. "And some of us may even be losing
those."
The jibe registers, but it doesn't hurt. Clarke straightens and
moves towards the ladder.
"Where you going? You going outside again?" Ballard asks.
"The shift isn't over. I thought I'd clean out the duct on number
two."
"It's a bit late to start on that, Lenie. The shift will be over
before we're even half done." Ballard's eyes dart away again. This
time Clarke follows the glance to the full-length mirror on the far
wall.
She sees nothing of particular interest there.
"I'll work late." Clarke grabs the railing, swings her foot onto
the top rung.
"Lenie," Ballard says, and Clarke swears she hears a tremor in
that voice. She looks back, but the other woman is moving to
Comm. "Well, I'm afraid I can't go with you," she's saying. "I'm in
the middle of debugging one of the telemetry routines."
"That's fine," Clarke says. She feels the tension starting to rise.
Beebe is shrinking again. She starts down the ladder.
"Are you sure you're okay going out alone? Maybe you should
wait until tomorrow."
"No. I'm okay."
"Well, remember to keep your receiver open. I don't want you
getting lost on me again—"
Clarke is in the wetroom. She climbs into the airlock and runs
through the ritual. It no longer feels like drowning. It feels like
being born again.
She awakens into darkness, and the sound of weeping.
She lies there for a few minutes, confused and uncertain. The
sobs come from all sides, soft but omnipresent in Beebe's resonant
shell. She hears nothing else except her own heartbeat.
She's afraid. She's not sure why. She wishes the sounds would
go away.
Clarke rolls off her bunk and fumbles at the hatch. It opens
into a semi-darkened corridor; meager light escapes from the
lounge at one end. The sounds come from the other direction,
from deepening darkness. She follows them through an infestation
of pipes and conduits.
Ballard's quarters. The hatch is open. An emerald readout
sparkles in the darkness, bestowing no detail upon the hunched
figure on the pallet.
"Ballard," Clarke says softly. She doesn't want to go in.
The shadow moves, seems to look up at her. "Why won't you
show it?" it says, its voice pleading.
Clarke frowns in the darkness. "Show what?"
"You know what! How — afraid you are!"
"Afraid?"
"Of being here, of being stuck at the bottom of this horrible
dark ocean—"
"I don't understand," Clarke whispers. Claustrophobia begins
to stir in her, restless again.
Ballard snorts, but the derision seems forced. "Oh, you
understand all right. You think this is some sort of competition,
you think if you can just keep it all inside you'll win somehow —
but it isn't like that at all, Lenie, it isn't helping to keep it hidden
like this, we've got to be able to trust each other down here or we're
lost—"
She shifts slightly on the bunk. Clarke's eyes, enhanced by the
caps, can pick out some details now; rough edges embroider
Ballard's silhouette, the folds and creases of normal clothing,
unbuttoned to the waist. She thinks of a cadaver, half-dissected,
rising on the table to mourn its own mutilation.
"I don't know what you mean," Clarke says.
"I've tried to be friendly," Ballard says. "I've tried to get along
with you, but you're so cold, you won't even admit — I mean, you
couldn't like it down here, nobody could, why can't you just admit
—"
"But I don't, I — I hate it in here. It's like Beebe's going to —
to clench around me. And all I can do is wait for it to happen."
Ballard nods in the darkness. "Yes, yes, I know what you
mean." She seems somehow encouraged by Clarke's admission.
"And no matter how much you tell yourself—" She stops. "You
hate it in here?"
Did I say something wrong? Clarke wonders.
"Outside is hardly any better, you know," Ballard says.
"Outside is even worse! There's mudslides and smokers and giant
fish trying to eat you all the time, you can't possibly — but — you
don't mind all that, do you?"
Somehow, her tone has turned accusing. Clarke shrugs.
"No, you don't," Ballard is speaking slowly now. Her voice
drops to a whisper: "You actually like it out there. Don't you?"
Reluctantly, Clarke nods. "Yeah. I guess so."
"But it's so — the rift can kill you, Lenie. It can kill us. A
hundred different ways. Doesn't that scare you?"
"I don't know. I don't think about it much. I guess it does, sort
of."
"Then why are you so happy out there?" Ballard cries. "It
doesn't make any sense..."
I'm not exactly 'happy', Clarke thinks. "I don't know. It's not
that weird, lots of people do dangerous things. What about free-
fallers? What about mountain climbers?"
But Ballard doesn't answer. Her silhouette has grown rigid on
the bed. Suddenly, she reaches over and turns on the cubby light.
Lenie Clarke blinks against the sudden brightness. Then the
room dims as her eyecaps darken.
"Jesus Christ!" Ballard shouts at her. "You sleep in that
fucking costume now?"
It's something else Clarke hasn't thought about. It just seems
easier.
"All this time I've been pouring my heart out to you and you've
been wearing that machine's face! You don't even have the
decency to show me your goddamned eyes!"
Clarke steps back, startled. Ballard rises from the bed and
takes a single step forward. "To think you could actually pass for
human before they gave you that suit! Why don't you go find
something to play with out in your fucking ocean!"
And slams the hatch in Clarke's face.
Lenie Clarke stares at the sealed bulkhead for a few moments.
Her face, she knows, is calm. Her face is usually calm. But she
stands there, unmoving, until the cringing thing inside of her
unfolds a little.
"Okay," she says at last, very softly. "I guess I will."
Ballard is waiting for her as she emerges from the airlock.
"Lenie," she says quietly, "we have to talk. It's important."
Clarke bends over and removes her fins. "Go ahead."
"Not here. In my cubby."
Clarke looks at her.
"Please."
Clarke starts up the ladder.
"Aren't you going to take—" Ballard stops as Clarke looks
down. "Never mind. It's okay."
They ascend into the lounge. Ballard takes the lead. Clarke
follows her down the corridor and into her cabin. Ballard dogs the
hatch and sits on her bunk, leaving room for Clarke.
Clarke looks around the cramped space. Ballard has curtained
over the mirrored bulkhead with a spare sheet.
Ballard pats the bed beside her. "Come on, Lenie. Sit down."
Reluctantly, Clarke sits. Ballard's sudden kindness confuses
her. Ballard hasn't acted this way since...
...Since she had the upper hand.
"—might not be easy for you to hear," Ballard is saying, "but
we have to get you off the rift. They shouldn't have put you down
here in the first place."
Clarke doesn't reply.
"Remember the tests they gave us?" Ballard continues. "They
measured our tolerance to stress; confinement, prolonged isolation,
chronic physical danger, that sort of thing."
Clarke nods slightly. "So?"
"So," says Ballard, "Did you think for a moment they'd test for
those qualities without knowing what sort of person would have
them? Or how they got to be that way?"
Inside, Clarke goes very still. Outside, nothing changes.
Ballard leans forward a bit. "Remember what you said? About
mountain climbers, and free-fallers, and why people deliberately do
dangerous things? I've been reading up, Lenie. Ever since I got to
know you I'vebeen reading up—"
Got to know me?
"—and do you know what thrillseekers have in common? They
all say that you haven't lived until you've nearly died. They need
the danger. It gives them a rush."
You don't know me at all—
"Some of them are combat veterans, some were hostages for
long periods, some just spent a lot of time in dead zones for one
reason or another. And a lot of the really compulsive ones—"
Nobody knows me.
"—the ones who can't be happy unless they're on the edge, all
the time — a lot of them got started early, Lenie. When they were
just children. And you, I bet— you don't even like being touched
—"
Go away. Go away.
Ballard puts her hand on Clarke's shoulder. "How long were
you abused, Lenie?" she asks gently. "How many years?"
Clarke shrugs off the hand and does not answer. He didn't
mean any harm. She shifts on the bunk, turning away slightly.
"That's it, isn't it? You don't just have a tolerance to trauma,
Lenie. You've got an addiction to it. Don't you?"
It only takes Clarke a moment to recover. The 'skin, the
eyecaps make it easier. She turns calmly back to Ballard. She
even smiles a little.
"Abused," she says. "Now there's a quaint term. Thought it
died out after the Saskatchewan witch-hunts. You some sort of
history buff, Jeanette?"
"There's a mechanism," Ballard tells her. "I've been reading
about it. Do you know how the brain handles stress, Lenie? It
dumps all sorts of addictive stimulants into the bloodstream. Beta-
endorphins, opioids. If it happens often enough, for long enough,
you get hooked. You can't help it."
Clarke feels a sound in her throat, a jagged coughing noise a bit
like tearing metal. After a moment, she recognizes it as laughter.
"I'm not making it up!" Ballard insists. "You can look it up
yourself if you don't believe me! Don't you know how many
abused children spend their whole lives hooked on wife beaters or
self-mutilation or free-fall—"
"And it makes them happy, is that it?" Clarke says, still
smiling. "They enjoy getting raped, or punched out, or—"
"No, of course you're not happy! But what you feel, that's
probably the closest you've ever come. So you confuse the two,
you look for stress anywhere you can find it. It's physiological
addiction, Lenie. You ask for it. You always asked for it."
I ask for it. Ballard's been reading, and Ballard knows: Life is
pure electrochemistry. No use explaining how it feels. No use
explaining that there are far worse things than being beaten up.
There are even worse things than being held down and raped by
your own father. There are the times between, when nothing
happens at all. When he leaves you alone, and you don't know for
how long. You sit across the table from him, forcing yourself to
eat while your bruised insides try to knit themselves back together;
and he pats you on the head and smiles at you, and you know the
reprieve's already lasted too long, he's going to come for you
tonight, or tomorrow, or maybe the next day.
Of course I asked for it. How else could I get it over with?
"Listen." Clarke shakes her head. "I—" But it's hard to talk,
suddenly. She knows what she wants to say; Ballard's not the only
one who reads. Ballard can't see it through a lifetime of fulfilled
expectations, but there's nothing special about what happened to
Lenie Clarke. Baboons and lions kill their own young. Male
sticklebacks beat up their mates. Even insects rape. It's not abuse,
really, it's just— biology.
But she can't say it aloud, for some reason. She tries, and she
tries, but in the end all that comes out is a challenge that sounds
almost childish:
"Don't you know anything?"
"Sure I do, Lenie. I know you're hooked on your own pain, and
so you go out there and keep daring the rift to kill you, and
eventually it will, don't you see? That's why you shouldn't be here.
That's why we have to get you back."
Clarke stands up. "I'm not going back." She turns to the hatch.
Ballard reaches out toward her. "Listen, you've got to stay and
hear me out. There's more."
Clarke looks down at her with complete indifference. "Thanks
for your concern. But I don't have to stay. I can leave any time I
want to."
"You go out there now and you'll give everything away, they're
watching us! Haven't you figured it out yet?" Ballard's voice is
rising. "Listen, they knew about you! They were looking for
someone like you! They've been testing us, they don't know yet
what kind of person works out better down here, so they're
watching and waiting to see who cracks first! This whole program
is still experimental, can't you see that? Everyone they've sent
down — you, me, Ken Lubin and Lana Cheung, it's all part of
some cold-blooded test—"
"And you're failing it," Clarke says softly. "I see."
"They're using us, Lenie—don't go out there!"
Ballard's fingers grasp at Clarke like the suckers of an octopus.
Clarke pushes them away. She undogs the hatch and pushes it
open. She hears Ballard rising behind her.
"You're sick!" Ballard screams. Something smashes into the
back of Clarke's head. She goes sprawling out into the corridor.
One arm smacks painfully against a cluster of pipes as she falls.
She rolls to one side and raises her arms to protect herself. But
Ballard just steps over her and stalks into the lounge.
I'm not afraid, Clarke notes, getting to her feet. She hit me,
and I'm not afraid. Isn't that odd—
From somewhere nearby, the sound of shattering glass.
Ballard's shouting in the lounge. "The experiment's over!
Come on out, you fucking ghouls!"
Clarke follows the corridor, steps out of it. Pieces of the
lounge mirror hang like great jagged stalactites in their frame.
Splashes of glass litter the floor.
On the wall, behind the broken mirror, a fisheye lens takes in
every corner of the room.
Ballard is staring into it. "Did you hear me? I'm not playing
your stupid games any more! I'm through performing!"
The quartzite lens stares back impassively.
So you were right, Clarke muses. She remembers the sheet in
Ballard's cubby. You figured it out, you found the pickups in your
own cubby, and Ballard, my dear friend, you didn't tell me.
How long have you known?
Ballard looks around, sees Clarke. "You've got her fooled, all
right," she snarls at the fisheye, "but she's a goddamned basket
case! She's not even sane! Your little tests don't impress me one
fucking bit!"
Clarke steps toward her.
"Don't call me a basket case," she says, her voice absolutely
level.
"That's what you are!" Ballard shouts. "You're sick! That's
why you're down here! They need you sick, they depend on it, and
you're so far gone you can't see it! You hide everything behind that
— that mask of yours, and you sit there like some masochistic
jellyfish and just take anything anyone dishes out—you ask for it
—"
That used to be true, Clarke realizes as her hands ball into fists.
That's the strange thing. Ballard begins to back away; Clarke
advances, step by step. It wasn't until I came down here that I
learned that I could fight back. That I could win. The rift taught
me that, and now Ballard has too—
"Thank you," Clarke whispers, and hits Ballard hard in the
face.
Ballard goes over backwards, collides with a table. Clarke
calmly steps forward. She catches a glimpse of herself in a glass
icicle; her capped eyes seem almost luminous.
"Oh Jesus," Ballard whimpers. "Lenie, I'm sorry."
Clarke stands over her. "Don't be," she says. She sees herself
as some sort of exploding schematic, each piece neatly labeled. So
much anger in here, she thinks. So much hate. So much to take
out on someone.
She looks at Ballard, cowering on the floor.
"I think," Clarke says, "I'll start with you."
But her therapy ends before she can even get properly warmed
up. A sudden noise fills the lounge, shrill, periodic, vaguely
familiar. It takes a moment for Clarke to remember what it is. She
lowers her foot.
Over in the Communications cubby, the telephone is ringing.
Jeanette Ballard is going home today.
For half an hour the 'scaphe has been dropping deeper into
midnight. Now the Comm monitor shows it settling like a great
bloated tadpole onto Beebe's docking assembly. Sounds of
mechanical copulation reverberate and die. The overhead hatch
drops open.
Ballard's replacement climbs down, already mostly 'skinned,
staring impenetrably from eyes without pupils. His gloves are off;
his 'skin is open up to the forearms. Clarke sees the faint scars
running along his wrists, and smiles a bit inside.
Was there another Ballard up there, waiting, she wonders, in
case I had been the one who didn't work out?
Out of sight down the corridor, a hatch hisses open. Ballard
appears in shirtsleeves, one eye swollen shut, carrying a single
suitcase. She seems about to say something, but stops when she
sees the newcomer. She looks at him for a moment. She nods
briefly. She climbs into the belly of the 'scaphe without a word.
Nobody calls down to them. There are no salutations, no
morale-boosting small talk. Perhaps the crew have been briefed.
Perhaps they've figured it out on their own. The docking hatch
swings shut. With a final clank, the 'scaphe disengages.
Clarke walks across the lounge and looks into the camera. She
reaches between mirror fragments and rips its power line from the
wall.
We don't need this any more, she thinks, and she knows that
somewhere far away, someone agrees.
She and the newcomer appraise each other with dead white
eyes.
"I'm Lubin," he says at last.
Ballard was right again, she realizes. Untwisted, we'd be of no
use at all…
But she doesn't really mind. She won't be going back.
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